✖ PARADISA

A panfandom roleplay

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024 ♕ [dictated]
| lex luthor stole all the cakes...
loisfuckinglane wrote in paradisa
It's been ten days.

It feels like so much longer.   Every day just drags on, and it just gets worse as the two week marker gets closer.

I can't help but think.... what if they don't come back?

Everyone here seems so sure that'll it work, like clockwork, but what if this is the one time that's the exception to the rule? 

I don't know what I'd even do, or how I'd begin to comfort Clark about it.  He's been so busy focusing on making sure I'm alright, when I know how much this has to be hurting him too.  It's not fair that he has to be so strong for me, when I'm the one who did this in the first place.  I know I didn't choose to hurt anybody, but if I wasn't here--

I know, Lois, that's stupid to think about.  If it wasn't me, it could have been anybody else on some dangerous loss.  But Kara might not have rushed in on her own if it was just anybody else.  Maybe she would have waited for back-up.  

Maybe she'd still be here.

I'm worried ... that that this is the future I've signed up for.  From what Kara's told me -- what everyone from future versions of something like my world has told me -- this kind of havoc is almost commonplace for them.  And losing Carter like that back home...  it just makes me fear what other soldiers are going to fall in the line of duty before we even finish facing down the problems we have there right now.   Risking their lives isn't going to scare off any of them, and that's what makes them heroes.  But being the one standing on the sidelines and having to watch and wait for them to pull through or die trying...

It's what my mom did every day for my dad.  And I really want to believe that I'm strong enough to be that person.  It's what Clark deserves.  

But I don't feel strong right now.  I feel angry, and I feel numb, and I feel more than anything this raging sense of the injustice of all of this.  More than anything back home, that's what all of us are fighting for, and we at least get the satisfaction of knowing that we've attained some small portion of it sometimes.  But here...

Here, there's so little of that.  Bad guys get locked up, only to go free again because of world changes.  Outsiders who try to communicate with us get punished for it, and there's nothing we can do to go help them.  People go on rampages, taking out parts of the place residents have come to see as home, and claim lives in the process, and there's no way to know who to blame for it.

It's enough to make me sick to my stomach, but it's not enough to make me stop fighting.  That's all we can do, other than lay down and give in, and that's never been something any Lane worth their salt would do.  There's always something else we can figure out, one step closer we can take to the truth, and the truth is justice in its own way.

Maybe it's the only justice we can get, here.

Smallville said once that that's how I fight evil in my own way, and that it's just as important as what the heroes do with their fists or flying or heat vision.  I have to believe he's right, and knowing that for the first time in my life, I feel like myself being able to do that, whether at home, or here, has to mean something.  

Maybe that's part of who Mrs. Superman is.  I've been thinking about her a lot these last ten days too.

I shouldn't have told him like that, not in the middle of everything terrible.  He couldn't even react, there was just too much--

I still don't know how he really feels about it.  Maybe it's too early, for him. Maybe there were things he had to go through to make it something he was willing to accept, or even want, and the version of him that's here hasn't dealt with those things yet.  

I know he'd never say it, even if that was true.  But that's part of the real reason I haven't been wearing the ring, on top of what I said to him about not wanting to break the news until everyone was able to move past the mourning phase enough to celebrate without guilt.

I don't want to shove news he might not be happy about down his throat every day.

I don't want to be here, stuck in limbo, wondering what's going to happen back home, possibly for years.  I won't do it.  I'm going to find some way out of here, not just for me, but for everyone.

Maybe I'm just being stubborn, but I don't give a damn.  I want to live in a world with evil I can fight, not one where it's faceless and equally merciless.  




I wonder if Clark's noticed me moving my stuff in down here.   He hasn't said anything.


You know, I think it took realizing that Claire was doing the same thing I was in terms of putting up emotional walls and acting like everything was ok ... and talking to Lana, of all people, to get me to realize talking about all this might be something I need to do.  Even if it's just to myself.   Smallville's let me cry on his shoulder plenty, but there's some things I don't need to burden him with.  He does plenty of burdening himself without my help.  I've tried to cut the tears to a minimum, even around him.




What I really want to know is... is it really going to always be like this?  For every good thing, six terrible ones.   It's worth it, I know, but it makes me tired, just thinking about it.

I wonder how long Clark's felt this way.

At least we have each other here.  At this point, I'll take all the silver linings I can.  And he counts for a hundred.


Four more days and maybe I'll have a few more.
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